Missing deadlines and practicing sympathetic joy

watching things pass on by and being ok

In my feed this morning were the poets selected for an award I tried to apply to earlier this year: a carousel of writer pics and headshots, several unfamiliar, some known.

I really wanted a place on this one - mostly because it included several months mentoring from a poet whose work I absolutely adore - but despite working at it over several sessions I couldn’t get the application finished, and then because I’d got so stressed (with work etc too) had a big shutdown on the deadline day and couldn’t work at all. The deadline passed, the effort I’d put into trying to get the application written didn’t go anywhere, and I wasn’t even in with a chance of getting on the programme.

For me, this is a familiar story, and a particular theme for 2026. Over the weekend I realised I’d missed the deadline to apply for some work I’d have loved to do with the Poetry Library, earlier this year were several residencies I drafted applications for but couldn’t finish in time… It’s a particular quality of gutted when it’s not a case of not being picked, but of not even managing to get your name in the hat.

And as increasingly it’s my peers who are the recipients it feels a little like missing the bus and then spotting my mates grinning together in the top seats as it drives past.

What is there to be done? Obviously not sulk at home or get jealous and bitter - even though I’m gutted I don’t want to cultivate that within me. So it’s a case of being gentle with myself and of practicing sympathetic joy, a concept I first came across as compersion back when I was practicing Polyamory.

What is sympathetic joy? Put simply it’s feeling happiness for the joy and success of others, even when that success is something you wanted for yourself. It’s rerouting your thinking from ‘I wish that was me’ to ‘I’m so pleased that person/poet/friend is getting to take advantage of this opportunity that’ll be really great for their development’.

But it’s more nuanced than just giving yourself a different script; there’s work there in acknowledging your disappointment and allowing yourself to grieve a missed opportunity, and in working to connect with the positive emotion and feeling behind the sentiment you’re cultivating: it’s not enough just to say the words, the meaning comes through embodying that position.

And the other thing? When I stop to think about it I am actually pleased for these friends and peers, it’s not that hard to cultivate positivity for them because it already exists - I like these people and I’m glad they’re benefitting from these wonderful opportunities. And when I acknowledge that, it feels better inside me too - it counteracts the gutted.

I actually suspect this kind of thinking and practice is really useful to cultivate as a writer full stop, not just for someone in my position. It goes hand in hand with the understanding that being in creative spaces isn’t about being in competition but in conversation with each other, and celebrating each other’s successes alongside our own; the arts space is so special because of the multitude of voices and perspectives it contains, and when any of us are benefitting then it’s bolstering the community and landscape as a whole.

The other side of cultivating sympathetic joy is nurturing my relationship with myself: being gentle and understanding with the limits of my capacity, and being proud of what I can and do achieve rather than disappointed in what I miss. The popular saying that you can’t look after others without first looking after yourself also applies in this context: it’s a lot harder to feel happiness for others if behind the scenes you’re berating yourself.

None of this is easy, and there’s a temptation to feel frustrated with the system as well; it’s a lot of work to find residencies and awards and mentorship schemes and it’s hard to get really good applications together, and when you’ve got executive functioning struggles it’s extra hard to meet the deadlines - or even remember when they are! But being frustrated with the system won’t get me anywhere either.

Sometimes I imagine an alternate universe where I’m one step closer to achieving all my goals because I don’t have capacity and executive functioning challenges, but this too is only an exercise in winding myself up. I am the person I am, the choices available to me are: the nature of the internal dialogue I cultivate within myself, what I do with the energy and capacity I have available, and how much I work to foster a more conscious and intentionally positive relationship with the world around me.

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